Another day without her
Today I was looking at a 529 plan which is a way of saving money for college in a tax-deferred account. I wanted to set one up for Claire but I don't know her SSAN and I have no way of obtaining it. We talked about her this morning and again at the supper table. Jane, my wife, said she was glad she'd contacted Father Thomas because he was able to assure her that the kids are ok. It seems strange that my son's family wound up in the Eastern Orthodox Church. I'm Episcopalian and Ted's mother belongs to one of those churches which are not affiliated , I think. It is a modern Pentecostal one [again I'm not sure quite what the church is and it's been a long time since I was in the place]. Marie, Ted's sister is married to Mark, an Assemblies of God minister. Amy, Ted's wife, was brought up Roman Catholic. Wheels within wheels.
Why do I love her so?
Primarily because it's what I do. I am a loving person and especially enjoy children, but there's much more. My father was a stern, authoritarian career military officer. His father, in turn, was a brutal, battering alcoholic. Rocco, my grandfather, came to this country when he was 17 and was very bright but had no education. He became embittered and became a violent drunk. My father never drank after he was frightened by his reaction to alcohol in his youth but he had the rigid, controlling nature of a dry drunk for many years. He was a wonderful grandfather. He was patient, loving and kind...all the things I'd wished he could be for me but wasn't. My mother's father, Tony, or Poppa as we knew him, was an archetypic grandfather and I miss him to this day, 43 years after his death. These men taught me how to be a grandfather and when grandfatherhood came to me it was one of the greatest gifts in my life. Loving Claire wasn't easy early on. She was a very sensitive and difficult to soothe child but she grew into a beautiful, very bright young lady. When she was five, she was already reading proficiently and widely. One day her father called and left a message on our answering machine: "Dad, I think you're gonna like this. Today Claire asked Amy [her mother] what a hag is and when Amy told her
Claire wasn't satisfied so she looked it up in the dictionary." I who loved words and make my living with them was so very pleased and proud. She loved my stories that I wove for her about Freddie, the fish with the little bitty feets, and the Moogle Poogles who live in the woods. As she grew she would commandeer the stories as I told them and embroider them for me. She paid me a supreme compliment several times, "Granddad, you're silly." I was and am in thrall. And there's so much more.
A statement of purpose
If you have strayed here and wonder what it's all about read on. A little more than a year ago now, my son, Ted, told me that he was cutting off all contact with me for "a few months." I was surprised, shocked and confused. He'd sent me a letter just a few months prior telling me that he was proud of the man I'd become and that the work I'd done in recent years had paid off. I asked him if I could speak to my grandchildren. He refused and hung up on me. Over the ensuing months we tried to honor his request, but as time went by it was increasingly painful to me. Whenever I tried to contact him he would hang up and finally he had his telephone disconnected. What has made this so difficult for me is the enforced lack of contact with my grandchildren, especially with Claire, my eldest grandchild. If someone wanted to wound me, to torment or torture me; I cannot think of a worse punishment. I have at time wept bitter tears. Sometimes the sight of other children fills me with pain and loss rather than the pleasure it used to bring. There are those who have accused me of favoritism because I have loved her so much, but you must understand just how wonderful she is. She is so bright and clever and she is the spitting image of my mother, her great grandmother. People I trust have told me to keep a journal so that someday she'll know that I didn't abandon or forget her. This blog will be that record. There is so much more and I'll write more later.
